Books like Steamed

Ah….another of my life’s shitty decisions. Given the choice between reading this book or having one of my BERRIES ripped off by a rabid wolverine, I went with what I thought was the safe selection and read this book. Hindsight is now screaming a foul wind of obscenities at me because I didn’t go with the partial EUNUCHectomy. This is one literary baby that should have been family planned a little better and prevented prior to conception. PAINFUL debilitating aneurysm doesn’t begin to describe the level of discomfort this caused me. Therefore, I am going to use the rest of this review to CATHARTICIZE the suckness away. Rather than go through a long description of what I gathered was supposed to be the plot of steamLESS punk “snuff the prose” film, I thought I would share with you the opening gut shot of this tragedy...Here is how this barrel of [insert funny word for suicide inducing garbage] begins. \ ’Good Morning, Jack. Is that a molecular detector in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?’ The voice that called out as I passed was female, soft, and sultry as hell. I paused to toss a grin at one of the two women who were occupying the big kidney-shaped desk that graced the front lobby of the Nordic Tech building. ‘Morning, Karen. Would it be against human resources policy if I was to tell you how much I liked that top?’ The red-haired receptionist giggled and leaned forward, giving me a better-than-normal view of her cleavage in the skimpy tank top that she liked to wear on casual-dress Fridays. ‘Probably, but I’m not going to tell anyone. You know my rule, Jack.’'What happens in reception, stays in reception?' I asked, winking.She giggled again. ‘You’re so naughty. You look really yummy yourself in khaki. Is that the new Airship Pirates shirt?’\ ...C’mon, people…somebody come out from behind the curtain and tell me I was just punked. I would actually welcome an Ashton Kutcher sighting at this point. Now I have read some bad books. Some of them have made me want to find the author and do this…\ \ ...I have read some others that have even made me want to do this…\ \ ….but rare indeed is the book that can crank the THROTTLE throttle high enough to make me want to bring a little extra to the slap application… \ \ ...CONGRATULATIONS "STEAMED" you are rare indeed. In addition to that clunky opening, just about every other “peeve” in the whole "pet" store was found somewhere in the schlock fest. Here are a couple of the oldies but still suckies that tested my gag reflex:The line “I could tell you, but I would have to kill you, which is usually enough to have me reaching for the whiskey bottle and valium to take the edge off. The “have you rescued any damsels in distress” question asked of our manly main man, at which I think I popped a blood vessel, but I can’t be sure because my memory is a bit foggy during that period. The word “totally” and the phrase “oh my gosh” paired together in the same sentence…NUFF SAID!!. Plus, many, many more. I want to finish this review with two things. One is a stronger than usual recommendation not to read this because I care. Second, my dislike for this book has led me to reconsider some of the rage I ahve spilled onto some other books. Therefore, I would like to offer a few partial apologies to some of my previous one star targets: Stephanie Miller: It turns out Twilight wasn’t THAT bad. Dean Koontz: Dead and Alive could have been a lot worse.Paul Kemp: Your Star Trek book Deceived (Star Wars: The Old Republic, #2) is starting to look pretty good. John Norman: Tarnsman of Gor wasn’t the end of life as we know it. And Frank Miller:....NO, All-Star Batman & Robin the Boy Wonder, Volume 1 still BLOWS!!!