Books like Emotional Vampires: Dealing with People Who Drain You Dry

Emotional vampires draw you in, then drain you. At first, emotional vampires look better than regular people. They’re as bright, talented, and charming as a Romanian count. You like them; you trust them; you expect more from them than you do from other people. You expect more, you get less, and in the end you get taken. You invite them into your life, and seldom realize your mistake until they’ve disappeared into the night, leaving you drained dry with a pain in the neck, an empty wallet, or perhaps a broken heart. Even then, you wonder—is it them or is it me? It’s them. Emotional vampires. Do you know them? Have you experienced their dark power in your life? Have you met people who seemed so perfect at first, but later turned out to be a perfect mess? Have you been blinded by brilliant bursts of charm that switched on and off like a cheap neon sign? Have you heard promises whispered in the night that were forgotten before dawn? Have you been drained dry?When people are driving themselves crazy, they have neuroses or psychoses. When they drive other people crazy, they have personality disorders.The author considers the five that are most likely to cause people trouble in their daily life: Antisocial, Histrionic, Narcissistic, Obsessive-Compulsive, and Paranoid. He chose these five because they occur most frequently in the population, and, more often than the others, they may be present to a subclinical degree. The main reason he chose these five is that each of the types discussed in the book, although pathological and draining, also has characteristics that people find very attractive. Over the course of more than 40 years as a psychologist and business consultant, He has seen that these five disorders consistently cause the most trouble for the most people, at home, at work, and everywhere in between.Emotional vampires never grow up. Throughout their lives, they see themselves as victims of fate and the unpredictability of others. Emotional vampires take. They believe that whatever they want should be given to them immediately, regardless of how anyone else might feel about it. Social creatures trust each other to follow basic social rules, and emotional vampires betray that trust. Their lack of connection to something larger than themselves is also the reason for vampires’ internal pain. The universe is a cold and empty place when there is nothing in it bigger than your own need.Emotional vampires see themselves as the innocent victims of forces beyond their control. Emotional vampires are not intrinsically evil, but their immaturity allows them to operate without thinking about whether their actions are good or bad. They see other people as potential sources for whatever they happen to need at the moment, not as separate human beings with needs and feelings of their own. Rather than being evil itself, vampires’ perceptual distortion is a doorway through which evil may easily enter. The purpose of this book is not to consider the morality of emotional vampires, but to show how to spot them in your life and give you some ideas about what to do when you find yourself under attack by the forces of darkness. Understanding emotional vampires’ immaturity is your ultimate weapon. Many of their most outrageous actions would make perfect sense if they were done by a two-year-old.When they lure otherwise normal and intelligent people into stupid behavior, it’s harder to imagine how a deficiency in their personalities could confer such dark and destructive power. Even people with small traces of personality disorders can show the same pattern of being alluring, draining, and fiendishly difficult to understand. That’s the real reason for the vampire metaphor. It’s easier to see both such people’s strengths and their weaknesses by pretending they’re supernatural creatures who stalk the night, using their hypnotic powers to seduce normal people and drain them of their life forces. It does kind of make you pay attention, and helps you think of these people as something more than everyday annoyances.Emotional vampires will use you to meet whatever needs they happen to be experiencing at the moment. They have no qualms about taking your effort, your money, your love, your attention, your admiration, your body, or your soul to meet their insatiable cravings. They want what they want, and they don’t much care how you feel about it. They are not thinking about you at all. If you get angry at them because you think they are deliberately trying to hurt you, your misunderstanding will make you even more vulnerable. They will see themselves as victims of your attack. Then you will become the target.Vampires can't see themselves in a mirror. Emotional vampires have no insight. You can describe vampires to themselves a thousand times, and they still won’t see what’s plain and obvious to everyone else. You can show them the chapter in this book that describes them perfectly, and they’ll think it’s about you.Emotional vampires are far more comfortable with their own immaturity than you are with yours. Also, they have absolutely no shame.When vampires don’t get their way, they throw tantrums. They can explode into all sorts of emotional outbursts whose only purpose is to get you to give in. Don’t. If you give in after the tantrum starts, you’ll only teach vampires to be persistent.Every type of vampire has its own favorite kinds of tantrums. They yell, they cry, they pout, they lecture, they give you the cold shoulder, or they induce guilt even more skillfully than your mother.Remember, vampires thrive on confusion and misunderstanding.How could you be so stupid? The answer is the same as for everyone else who has been drawn in and drained by an emotional vampire. You were hypnotized. Emotional vampires are the most charming people you’ll ever meet. Do bear in mind that the original meaning of the word charming was “casting a magic spell.”All emotional vampires lie. Antisocials lie because it’s the easiest thing to do at the time, Histrionics lie to you because they believe the lies they tell themselves, Narcissists lie because it’s expedient, Obsessive-Compulsives lie because they can’t possibly be wrong, and Paranoids lie when the facts don’t support their beliefs.Honest people are more damaged by lies than they need to be because they have little or no experience with lying themselves. They make one huge mistake that clouds their minds and often breaks their hearts: they believe that doing something wrong means the same thing to an emotional vampire as it does to them.It’s almost impossible to teach empathy to an emotional vampire. They can fake it, but they have a hard time feeling it. Arguments that are convincing to an emotional vampire must always be in that vampire’s own language—self-interest. ANTISOCIAL VAMPIRESAntisocial vampires are addicted to excitement. They’re called antisocial, not because they don’t like parties, but because they’re heedless of social rules. These vampires love parties. They also love sex, drugs, rock ‘n’ roll, and anything else stimulating. They hate boredom worse than a stake through the heart. All they want out of life is a good time, a little action, and immediate gratification of their every desire. Of all the vampires, Antisocials are the sexiest, the most exciting, and the most fun to be around. People take to them easily and quickly, and just as quickly get taken. Aside from momentary fun, these vampires don’t have much to give back. Ah, but those moments! Like all the vampire types, Antisocials present you with a dilemma: they’re Ferraris in a world of Toyotas, built for speed and thrills. You’re apt to be very disappointed if you expect them to be reliable.HISTRIONIC VAMPIRESHistrionic vampires live for attention and approval. Looking good is their specialty. Everything else is an unimportant detail. Histrionics have what it takes to get hired into your business or your life, but be careful. Histrionic means dramatic. What you see is all a show, and definitely not what you get. Vampires can’t see their reflections in a mirror. Histrionics can’t even see the mirror. They’re experts at hiding their own motivations from themselves. They believe that they never do anything unacceptable, like making mistakes or having bad thoughts about anyone. They’re just nice people who only want to help. If you question that, you’re likely to suffer. It’s amazing how much damage nice people can do.NARCISSISTIC VAMPIRESHave you ever noticed that people with big egos tend to be small everywhere else? What Narcissistic vampires want is to live out their grandiose fantasies of being the smartest, most talented, and all-around best people in the world. It’s not so much that they think of themselves as better than other people as they don’t think of other people at all. Narcissists are legends in their own minds. Surely, you don’t expect them to live by the rules of mere mortals.Narcissists present a difficult dilemma. Although there is plenty of narcissism without greatness, there is no greatness without narcissism. Without these vampires, there wouldn’t be anyone with the chutzpah to lead. Regardless of what they say, Narcissists seldom do anything that isn’t self-serving. As long as you can tie your interests in with theirs, they’ll think you’re almost as great as they are. Narcissists need to win. Don’t compete with them unless you can just about kill them. Even then, watch out. They’ve been known to rise from the grave to wreak vengeance. Better you should sneak up on their blind side with an ego massage and learn how to give them the adulation they need without giving in.OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE VAMPIRESObsessive-Compulsives are addicted to safety, which they believe they can achieve through scrupulous attention to detail and complete control over everything. You know who they are: anal-retentive people who can’t see the forest because of the excessive number of superfluous, overabundant, and redundant trees. What you may not know is that all that attention to detail is designed to keep the Antisocial vampire inside safely contained. Without Obsessive-Compulsives, none of the world’s difficult and thankless tasks would ever get done, nothing would ever work the way it should, and none of us would do our homework, ever. For good or ill, Obsessive-Compulsives are the only people watching to see that the rest of us don’t go too far astray. We may not always like them, but we need them.For Obsessive-Compulsives, the most important conflicts are internal. They take no joy in hurting others, but they will hurt you if your actions threaten their sense of control. To Obsessive-Compulsives, surprises—even pleasant ones—feel like an ice-cold spray of holy water. They don’t mean to retaliate, but they do feel compelled to state their opinion.The second-longest wait in the world is for Obsessive-Compulsives to make a decision. The longest wait is for them to speak even a single word of praise. Perfectionism, over-control, and attention to detail—Obsessive-Compulsive vampires indulge in vices that masquerade as virtues. They habitually confuse process with product, and the letter of the law with its spirit. Your best protection from these vampires lies in continuing to keep your own eyes on the big picture and not getting lost with them in the dark forest of obsessive detail. PARANOID VAMPIRESIn common parlance, paranoid means thinking people are after you. On the face of it, it’s hard to imagine that there could be anything attractive about delusions of persecution. The lure of Paranoids is not their fears, but what lies behind them. Paranoia is really a supernatural simplicity of thought that enables these vampires to see things that others can’t. Their goal is to know the Truth and banish all ambiguity from their lives. Paranoids live by concrete rules that they believe are carved in stone. They expect everybody else to live by these rules as well. They’re always on the lookout for evidence of deviation, and they usually find it. Think of them as the detectives of the vampire world. You feel safe and secure in their certainty—until you become a suspect. Paranoids can see through all forms of subterfuge to the heart of a matter. Just as easily, they can rip that heart out and tear it to pieces—especially when it belongs to someone close to them whose only crime is being human. Paranoids draw you in with their perceptiveness; they see the confusing and uncertain details of life so clearly. Later, they drain you with endless probing of the uncertainty they perceive in you. What Paranoids never see is their own role in creating the ambiguity that so terrifies them. Their distrust invites duplicity. Their suspiciousness keeps people from telling them the whole truth. Their incessant doubts drive away the people who say they’ll always be there. Paranoids can feel like they’re at the center of a vast conspiracy to rob them of the certainty they so fervently desire. Naturally, they become even more guarded and suspicious. What Paranoids really fear is the uncertainty at the center of their own souls. They desperately want to be close, but are terrified at the ambiguity that comes with closeness. They try to drive the desire for intimacy out of their hearts. In place of love, Paranoids search in vain for purity and truth.In the minds of Paranoids, truth, loyalty, courage, honor, and the like are not abstractions. They are living, breathing presences that they live by, and will kill or die for if called upon to do so. At least, that’s the way the Paranoids themselves imagine it. The reality is, of course, more complex. Paranoids are just as likely as anybody else to justify their self-serving actions in terms of high-sounding principles. More likely, actually. The most dangerous thing about Paranoids is their utter certainty of their own virtue. Paranoids seldom forgive. Paranoids happily consign sinners to the flames.Aside from their questionable approach to morality, Paranoids are capable of extreme purity of thought. Many discoveries of the organizing principles that bind the universe together are the products of Paranoid thinking. So is every crackpot theory you’ve ever heard of. Imagine a date with the man or woman of your dreams. You talk of nothing in particular, yet you desperately search your companion’s every word for clues to what he or she really thinks about you. Your heart soars at tiny signs of acceptance and falls to the pit of your stomach at the slightest hint of rejection. This is business as usual for Paranoids, who analyze every conversation with the same degree of scrutiny. Awash in a flood of ambiguity, they grasp at straws, often clutching them so tightly as to make them break up and drift away. To Paranoids, many of the straws turn out to be anvils. Paranoid existence is one perceived betrayal after another. Their suffering is exquisite, the sorrowful and pretentious center from which their entire universe radiates. Being Paranoid hurts.Paranoids see things that others can’t. They may even see more than you want them to. They’re always looking below the surface for hidden meanings and deeper realities. Sometimes they discover great insights, but more often they find reasons to doubt the people whom they should be able to trust. In the world of Paranoids, the line between perceptiveness and suspicion is as thin as a spiderweb and sharper than a razor blade. Paranoids can shower you with affection one minute and with ice water the next. Their moods are dependent on their momentary perceptions of the honesty and faithfulness of the people around them. If Paranoids sense treachery, they attack so fast that you won’t know what hit you. Or why. They can back off just as quickly. Many of their attacks are tests of loyalty. Loyalty is everything to them, so important that they can’t simply accept it on faith. They poke it, prod it, and all too often question it to death.In relationships, Paranoids expect absolute loyalty and complete devotion that must be proved and reproved forever. Paranoids are always on the lookout for the tiniest hint of perfidy in word, deed, or thought. Inevitably, they find what they’re looking for, not because it’s actually there in any objective sense, but because they continually focus on smaller and smaller details. No regular human can live up to a Paranoid’s standards for purity of mind. One reason Paranoid jealousy is such a problem is that people usually handle it in exactly the wrong way: by trying to appease and reassure. In their search for truth, Paranoids connect everything with everything else, then take it all personally. To poor virtuous Paranoids, the universe is a conspiracy designed to make them miserable. If you associate with Paranoids, it won’t be possible for you to say or do anything that does not relate to them. Paranoids believe that revenge is the cure for what ails them. They never seem to see that it is also the cause. It’s not that Paranoids never forgive; they just do it at the same rate as glaciers melt.