Everyone wants to know how I proposed to Claire. Well, it’s complicated...

How I Proposed to My Wife: An Alien Sex Story

The magazine reporters must write another alien story. “It’s our thing.” Rosenwald said. “Playboy has boobies, New Yorker has smug little cartoons, New World Man magazine has its monthly goddamn story on what it’s like to be an alien. If we didn’t have that, Nick, we’d be out of business”    Now to explain his job to his (human) girlfriend  “They want me to go on a date with some aliens,” I said. “For a story.”  “A date,” Claire said. “With a bunch of aliens at once, or one at a time?”  “I think they want me to do the dates sequentially, one alien at a time,” I said.  Claire spun her linguini on her fork. “I told you you should have taken that PR job with the hospital.” Claire was an internist at St. Joe’s downtown. “The pay was better. And you’d have health insurance.”   Promises, promises  “I’m not going to have sex with an alien. For one thing, I wouldn’t know where to start. That was part of the problem with Chuani.”  “Ah ha,” Claire said. “Now the truth comes out.”  “Seriously, Claire,” I said. “No alien sex.”  “No sex,” Claire said.  “No sex,” I said.  .....  “Are we to have sex?” Ttan asked me, as we headed for dinner.   “Uh,” I said. “Why do you ask?”  “My boss suggested that was to be expected with you,” Ttan said. “And I am ready to do my part for the Sefhuan delegation.”  Lie back and think of England, I thought. “It won’t be necessary,” I said.   “Are you sure?” Ttan said. “I lubricated my under-carapace just in case.”   Just a friendly game  “We were playing a game,” I said.  “That involved knives?” Claire said.   “We were playing jard,” I said. “It’s a game where the Sefhuans throw daggers at each other and get points for how they throw and where on their opponent’s carapace the dagger lands.”  Claire pointed to my shoulder. “I think you might have noticed that you don’t have a hard carapace before someone started flinging knives at you.”   The dates go from bad to worse - or better and better depending on your viewpoint to a completely surprise ending!    Enjoy!

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